they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
