I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
