I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
