You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
