Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
