Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
