Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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