Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
