i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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