i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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