Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
