Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
