Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
