I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
