omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
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It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
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A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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