I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
