My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
