hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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