ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
