I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Panties = found
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