i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
