I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
