Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
