Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
