You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
