Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
