I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
And then the night went full on bisexual.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?