turn off your phone and go to bed
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police