There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
