the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Sext me about skeletons
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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