mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
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Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
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good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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