Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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