new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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