Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
