12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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