When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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