i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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