so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
