How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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