Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
