I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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