I didn't shave. On purpose
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
that is very illegal...i love you.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
