I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
