just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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