The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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