If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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