so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
