I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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