i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
