just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes