You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.