You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
