Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
