its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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