He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
