The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
