I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
